Its common to believe that needy and clingby behavior only happens in women but that is so untrue. The man that you are dating can be needy and clingy too – it happens as much in men as it does in women. Insecure about your relationship he can become overly protective or wanting to know where you are going and who you are seeing.
So what do you do if you are dating a man that is needy and clingy?
There is nothing you can do! It is not your problem, it’s his. This is about him sorting out what past emotional baggage he has that is making him behave that way. Maybe he has had an ex girlfriend cheat on him so now he worries about that. Or maybe he was raised without attention and doesn’t feel safe unless he knows you love and adore him every hour of the day!
Whatever is going on you can certainly sit down and see if he will discuss it and if he doesn’t you are certainly within your rights to talk about how his behavior makes you feel (always remember it is NOT HIM – but his behaviour!) but outside of that he really needs to deal with whatever issues are going on for him.
Oh and by the way….. if you are needy and clingy then you need to sort yourself out too!
Dating Advice For Women
Relationship Help for Women:
Stop Overfunctioning And Start Getting The Love You Want
By Rori Raye
The first four years of my now glorious 18-year marriage followed the same, not glorious, hugely painful pattern all my other relationships had.
All the passion turned to tension and all the fun turned to bickering and then he withdrew.
He went cold and got angry.
Suddenly, I realized I didn’t feel all that warmly towards him either.
He thought I was being controlling, and I thought he wasn’t cutting it.
We were both right.
Overfunctioning is doing too much.
It’s doing more than your share, stepping in to help, stepping up to rescue.
It’s offering before being asked, giving instead of giving back.
It’s trying to manage your life and get things done by playing all the parts in the relationship — both your part and his.
Overfunctioning is a deeply unsatisfying thing.
Trying to play your man’s part in the relationship as well as yours (like I did) creates tension and conflict — and even if you could succeed at it, you wouldn’t like the results.
If you turn your man into a puppet you can manipulate, you’re not going to like him very much.
You’ll have clean dishes and no garbage, and a Saturday night date at the restaurant and movie of your choice, but look — your man will be a puppet!
Not much fun there.
So — do you deserve a red-blooded, real, strong minded, secure, responsible, respectable, thoughtful, and caring man?
Or do you only deserve a shadow of yourself?
Can you allow yourself to be loved by a man who can really love?
Or can you only sign up with a man who makes it one-third the way to you and then expects you to pick up the slack?
By always picking up the slack — and I know it always seems like what needs doing is urgent and important — what you get by doing it all yourself is mostly your own feeling of resentment.
You don’t get the appreciation we all crave — you get coldness, anger, and withdrawal.
It seems so unfair to put ourselves out, to be helpful, and then get what feels like a slap in the face.
And yet, what we’re really getting is the safe place (unpleasant as it is) of avoiding finding out what our men are really made of.
By always cutting to the chase and doing everything ourselves –- or directing how it’s done –- we put up a wall between ourselves and our men that keeps us from getting what we all say we really want: The Big Ticket Items –- Love, Affection, Romance, Trust, Harmony, Peace, the ability to Negotiate anything.
(And I mean anything.)
By always stepping in, we guarantee that our lives with our men will always be about the small stuff –- the nuts and bolts of life, and not the deep, soul-satisfying stuff that we come together in relationships and marriage to get. If what we want is soul connection, we have to stop Overfunctioning.
Since childhood, we’ve been labeled, taught, tricked, bribed and prodded, been threatened by all forms of authority, told what’s true and what isn’t, and disrespected for everything from our feelings to our thoughts.
Our relationships have been more about pleasing others than pleasing ourselves.
More about struggling and using our wits to get what we need and what we think we want than discovering what it is we really want.
Many of us don’t even really believe we deserve a great relationship.
Well, we do.
We all do.
And we don’t need to do anything to deserve it.
We just deserve it.
No earning required.
If we can stop doing so much and stop resenting doing so much, our relationship will get better instead of falling apart.
Try it.
What if you really didn’t have to watch how things are going, didn’t have to ask for everything you want, stopped overseeing the doing of things that are important to you even though you’ve already agreed that it’s his job, and could just relax and be?
It’s a little scary.
Each of us has learned ways to keep pain away.
And those things we do and say that help keep pain away also shut out love.
As soon as we stop doing those things, and love comes in, sometimes we begin to feel things we’ve been avoiding feeling for a very long time.
For some of us, feeling loved is mixed up with feeling pain. We feel scared to be vulnerable.
Sometimes it takes a while to begin to trust ourselves and our boundaries enough to really allow ourselves to be vulnerable –- and enjoy both being vulnerable and experiencing the miraculous effect our vulnerability has on our men.
So take it slow.
Baby steps is the way to go.
Make a list of all the things you do in the household, on a date, and in a relationship, and pick three things that seem easy to let go of.
And then stop doing them. Just stop.
It might get a little messy.
At first he may get a bit bent out of shape that you’re not on him, at him, throwing love and attention at him or doing for him all the time –- but secretly, he’ll start feeling seriously better about your relationship.
And you’ll feel seriously better, too, when he starts giving you (without you’re even asking) what you really want –- attention, affection, sweetness, the doing of household chores.
Remember, it’s about the Big Ticket items.
Affection.
Great sex.
Harmony.
Being able to negotiate.
Fun.
Peace.
Trust.
Emotional safety.
Keep your eye on the prize: Stop giving all your energy to managing your man and everything in your daily lives, and start using it to love yourself first.
Let me show you all the ways in which you can be happy and thrive in your relationship.
My FREE NEWSLETTER is packed with tools and advice to help you connect to your man, inspire his love and devotion, and finally have the relationship you want…starting today!
Simply fill in your name and email at the link below and start learning the tools that will show you how to get MORE out of your relationship by doing LESS.
Your information is kept confidential and there is no obligation… just valuable, free advice:
Click Here For Your Free Newsletter And eBook Download
In her packed Los Angeles workshops, relationship coach, author, speaker and seminar leader Rori Raye teaches women the completely original, controversial, simple-to-do techniques for communication, confidence, and connecting with men that she used to turn her own now-glorious eighteen-year marriage around.
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Dating Advice For Women
Smile At Yourself
By Rori Raye
Have you ever felt like your wellbeing depended on how a man was feeling and acting?
Where – if he’s upset, or cold, or moody, or even withdrawing from you or neglecting you because of his own
“issues,” then you feel terrible?
I remember that this was what my entire love life was like – for most of my life.
It was as though my relationship to myself and my LIFE depended on how my man was relating to me.
If things were good, I felt good.
If they were bad, I felt bad.
And all the awful feelings in between – the anxiety, worry, depression, tears, anger…
Here’s a quick way to change all that – SMILE AT YOURSELF:
1. Locate all the mirrors in your home, at work, and in the bathrooms of your favorite local hangouts.
I have a big one in my bathroom, several in my living room and office, and a huge, long one in my bedroom, so
I’m ALWAYS passing by one of them – see how often YOU come in contact with a mirror.
Chances are, if you’re like most of us – you only spend time at a mirror when you’re putting on makeup, checking out your clothing before going out, and brushing your teeth.
And chances are, if you’re like most of us – you’re not all that crazy about staring at yourself in the mirror anyway.
Well, let’s change that.
Let’s get our THRILLS from staring at ourselves in the mirror!
It’s so much easier to see all the flaws than to see all the beauty in our faces and our bodies – but if you look closely, and with a new perspective – our beauty is so tremendous that the flaws only ADD to the effect.
The flaws make us less “perfect” – but they also make us MORE ATTRACTIVE!
The truth is – it’s what WE might consider to be our “flaws” that actually creates our “charisma.”
We just have to learn how to love those “flaws” and let them work FOR us instead of against us – like with this
Tool.
2. Now – every single time you walk by one of those mirrors, I want you to stop, turn to the mirror, and smile at yourself – even BEFORE you get a clear, focused image of your reflection.
In other words, smile at the IDEA of seeing yourself.
When you get to the point that you automatically smile at yourself every time you see yourself, something will happen inside you that’s very, very nice.
You’ll start to look forward to seeing yourself!
And as you start to feel this way, your heart will warm to yourself – and as that happens, your vibe will change, and your man will experience you in a different, warmer, more confident way.
3. Next – Get up closer to the mirror for a second and SEE the smile on your face as you’re looking at yourself.
Stay there for a few moments, really smiling at yourself.
See if you can take your WHOLE self in – without what we normally do of picking apart the details.
Let your smile be a secret signal to yourself that you LIKE yourself.
And you WILL.
Don’t worry about getting a “swelled head.”
If you think you are, write me and I’ll tell you it’s a GREAT THING!
I WANT you to think you’re the “greatest thing since sliced bread” – and you ARE.
In order to learn new Tools like this one, sign up for my free e-letters here: CLICK HERE
and keep me posted on how they work for you.
Love, Rori
In her workshops, classes, private coaching
and new book, relationship coach Rori Raye teaches women the
completely original, simple-to-do and stunningly effective
techniques for communication, confidence, and connecting with men
that she used to turn her own now-glorious eighteen-year marriage
around.
To sign up for Rori’s free newsletters, click here:
Dating Advice For Women
Love Advice for Women:
Soft Love In The Kitchen
By Rori Raye
I was thinking about softness, and how it changes your vibe.
We’re all very smart, very clever, very defended.
We don’t want anyone to see how films about animals make us cry, or our scrapbooking, or all the mistakes we made and continue to make around everything in life.
We don’t want anyone to see that we’re lonely, or frightened, or exuberant about the simplest things.
We don’t want anyone to see us being childlike and hopeful.
So we cultivate our intellect, our opinions, our thoughts on where we’ve been and where we’re going.
Today I was in the kitchen eating what I’d cooked, when my husband walked in.
I have a horrible history of burning food.
There was the time several months ago when I retreated to the microwave, defeated, afraid my absent-mindedness would burn the house down (talk about repressed rage).
In the last few weeks I’ve been trying the stove again – scheduling cooking time, staying put in the kitchen, turning on the timer, sharpening my attention, and not burning anything!
I’m cured! I’m a cook! I’m not a menace, I can do this!
And the ground turkey I cooked in the pan smelled very nice on my plate.
And he says, alarm and accusation in his voice, “Did you burn something?”
“No!” I look up at him in shock.
“It smells like you burned something. Something’s burned.” and he walks into the kitchen.
“No, no!” I defend, going for the pan, picking it up to show him, feeling five years old and incompetent.
“It’s just nicely brown, see?” I say forcefully, totally righteously.
It’s his nose that’s wrong.
“Well, it smells like something’s burned.”
All of a sudden I get what I really feel.
Yes, I’m five.
I screw up my face and do big time mock crying and whining.
“But I didn’t burn it!” I wail. “I didn’t….” and I go all gooey, pan in my hand, miserable.
And in that second, my husband does a 180.
His eyes go deep and very blue-green, he smiles so fast I’m taken aback, and he comes towards me, arms around me, “Ohhhhhhh,” he says.
And that’s the end of it.
“So, how’s your day?” he skips right to his next thought, and he’s standing right up against me, and we’re connected, and I leap from five-year-old to grownup, from lump to goddess.
Long ago, whenever this happened, I used to think it was because he was competitive and didn’t want me to be big.
I thought he liked me girly and the loser at chess and gin rummy.
I thought he was scared of my fortitude.
Now I know that’s not it at all.
He just likes me better soft.
He likes me better where I am than where I wish I was. He likes me better human than mistake-proof.
And by liking me better this way, he encourages me to rise to the ultimate test of any relationship: He inspires me to say that I like myself best when I’m with him.
Let me show you all the ways in which you can get the soft love and tenderness in your relationship.
My FREE NEWSLETTER is packed with tools and advice to help you connect to your man, inspire his love and devotion, and finally have the relationship you want…starting today!
Simply fill in your name and email at the link below and start learning the tools that will show you how to get MORE out of your relationship than you ever thought possible.
Your information is kept confidential and there is no obligation… just valuable, free advice:
Click Here For Your Free Newsletter And eBook Download
In her Have The Relationship You Want eBook, Rori Raye teaches any woman the secret of how to quickly stop the pain and frustration in her love life and get exactly the romance, affection, attention and love she really wants (and deserves!).
Rori’s Tools will help you attract a man instead of accidentally pushing him away, no matter how uncertain things feel right now.
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Dating Advice For Women
Relationship Help for Women:
The Highway Of Love
By Rori Raye
I’m stuck again.
Not sick, not tired, just going backwards in my mind.
A psychic practitioner stopped me at the end of a party yesterday, and told me I was about to have a detour.
Today.
I don’t quite remember the exact words she used, but it was something along the lines of “Right now you’re going down the 405, and you’re about to take a detour, and then you’ll have to decide what you want to do with your life.”
And then she disappeared.
Okay.
So one part of me sees only possibilities in that scenario – Wow, choices, new things, new roads, new…. And then another part – Gremlin Voice soaked for sure – screams Other shoe dropping!
Any minute now!
Watch out for falling shoes!
And I look around me, furtively, searching each car that passes by, each person who passes by, each word that passes by, for a clue.
For a sign.
For impending disaster.
I have three choices.
One, I can call up this practitioner and ask for clarification. But, I realize, nothing she says will change the fact that I must make one of the other two choices.
Two, I can wallow in fear and try to be very careful and watchful and vigilant, analyze everything that shows up in my life at every minute, and forget I’m actually alive and living.
Three, I can choose the choice of possibilities.
I can – regardless of what the psychic has seen or knows, regardless of what she says or what she thinks, or even more profoundly, regardless of what I think – see every car that passes by, every person who passes by, each word that passes by as a “detour” into a new possibility.
And, if I make choice Number Three, I’d better know what I’m getting myself into – this new possibility might lead to another detour, to another possibility, to another, and another, where the choices are endless.
Am I more afraid of being stuck or of getting lost?
Is it that I’m really so certain I can’t choose right every time, or does it really matter if I choose right every time?
Lots of questions, and sometimes the answer is “I don’t know,” or “None of the Above.”
So how do I know what to do and where to go and what to think?
And how do I stop; my mind from racing to fear instead of flowing to possibilities?
Well, first off, just because I investigate another road doesn’t mean I’ve left the Highway of Love. In fact, what if I’m not even on it at all!
What if, even though I think I’ve been on the Highway of Love all this time, I’m really only on a side road?
What if I’m not even on a road?
What if I’ve been going in circles?
So, what if I want to continue down this so-called detour of a new possibility?
What then?
What if the detour leads to a bigger Highway?
What if I’ve been on the Highway of Where I’ve Always Been and What I’ve Always Done, and the detour will lead me smack to the Highway of Love?
Well, how’s this for a job description: Adventurer!
Lots of men and women are making thrilling, actual lives out there being Indiana Jones – finding lost civilizations, solving ancient riddles, leading teams through the jungles of the world.
Everyone has a different tolerance for risk and a different idea of what’s in the pot of gold at the end of the Quest, and some of us quake at even the thought of stepping a foot into the unknown.
So many of us are traveling up and down a dead end wash we call “love” in the middle of something we only know of as “familiarity.”
Sometimes we ride it in souped-up all-terrain vehicles, and sometimes we crawl along it, but we hardly ever fly over it, and actually see, with our own eyes, that it’s been a dead-end all along.
So, what if the Highway of Love is truly a super-highway leading to… who knows where?
And, what if it’s really not all that hard to navigate?
What if the only problem with it is it’s just not a dead-end wash?
What if the only hard thing about it is it’s not “familiar”?
So I bless the psychic.
Not for giving me a clue to what’s next, but for giving me a clue to my fear.
Perhaps the 405 isn’t all there is.
Now I have to deal with myself.
If I’m so afraid of detours, how will I handle the Highway of Love when I’m on it?
Will I run back to my dead-end?
Will I swear off detours?
Will I swear off possibilities?
Will I choose “Familiar” over “Better”?
Will I choose “Safely Stuck” over “Scary What I Really Want”?
Will I stay in worry and doubt and fear and not leave my house, or will I move out and about with abandon?
Will I keep my eyes open for danger, or will I allow in possibilities?
The choice is mine.
The choice is yours.
Try this way of choosing:
When you find yourself stuck, or afraid, ask yourself what road you’re on.
You may answer – I’m in love!
I couldn’t be happier!
Or I’m safe and fine, I don’t need a relationship, I don’t need someone else to love me, I love myself just plenty.
Or I don’t have time for all this.
I’m busy, I’m tooling down my road just fine, and, Rori, what do you know about it anyway?
Okay, so you know what’s up.
You’ve made your choice, and it feels good, and here you are, and you’re right – you don’t need me.
And if you answer I’m tired of the same-old-same-old.
I’m tired of the souped-up cars and the dry runs and the circles, then, maybe, you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain by choosing “Better” and “Scary What I Really Want,” than “Safe” and “Familiar.”
So, put on your new hat.
The one marked “Adventurer!”
Imagine that your emotions, your instincts, your heart rhythms, are a beautiful, powerful Horse you can ride across the landscape of your life.
Your Horse knows the way, clean and clear, to where you want to go. And if you should ever steer it wrong, it knows the way back.
Now, sit your Horse tall and proud.
You are about to let the whole world see you shake from fear, thrill from excitement, breathe hard from anticipation, tense up from the knot in your throat and shimmer from the hope in your eyes.
You are about to let go.
The Horse of your emotions, your instincts, your connection to life, your heart, is feeling feisty.
You’re about to let your Horse run free.
Imagine doing it.
Imagine tolerating the fear, the excitement, the heavy breathing, the tension, the shimmer.
Imagine riding the Horse somewhere new and feeling everything you’re feeling.
Believe that anytime you want, you can stop.
Yes, you can stop.
You can say No, turn back, go forward, take a rest.
You can.
You can say No when it doesn’t feel right, and you can say Yes when it feels right.
Sometimes it can feel right, but it’s just a little (okay, a lot) scary.
Don’t let that stop you!
Fear feels way different when you’re out there riding the Horse than it does when you’re stuck stock still.
Fear is many things, and it wears many faces, and we build all kinds of defenses on top of it to pretend it isn’t there or hide it away, or fight it.
If you don’t believe Adventurers feel fear, you’ve been sitting in the safe dead-end too long.
Fear is part of the Highway of Love. Bring yours along with you for the ride.
Soon, it’ll get tired and old, and you’ll be too busy having fun to even notice if it’s there or not.
So, wear your Adventurer hat (yes, you have one!), take along all your baggage, and imagine the exhilaration of having what you want.
Then, kiss your Horse, and let it take you somewhere new – to the Highway of Love.
Let me show you all the ways in which you can let go of fear and live the love life of your dreams.
My FREE NEWSLETTER is packed with tools and advice to help you connect to your man, inspire his love and devotion, and finally have the relationship you want…starting today!
Simply fill in your name and email at the link below and start learning the tools that will inspire you and improve your self-esteem and confidence.
Your information is kept confidential and there is no obligation… just valuable, free advice:
Click Here For Your Free Newsletter And eBook Download
In her Have The Relationship You Want eBook, Rori Raye teaches any woman the secret of how to quickly stop the pain and frustration in her love life and get exactly the romance, affection, attention and love she really wants (and deserves!).
Rori’s Tools will help you attract a man instead of accidentally pushing him away, no matter how uncertain things feel right now.
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Dating Advice For Women
Relationship Advice for Women:
Compassion And Love
By Rori Raye
I make things up.
I’m standing at the kitchen sink, a soapy dish in my hand, and I’m enraged.
My face is screwed up in fury.
I want to hurl the dish at the window.
I’ve just imagined that my husband is doing something awful that hurts me, and I’ve gone through the entire scenario of discovery, pain and rage – all in about two seconds.
I catch myself and stop cold.
What am I doing?
Why am I doing this?
I’m a Drama Queen on the loose, creating anger instead of passion, grief instead of love.
What started me?
I sort of remember thinking about a client, or a neighbor, or a friend who’s tolerated a sub-par relationship for way too long.
I remember empathizing.
Then I remember putting myself there.
Then I remember holding onto the dish hard enough to crack it.
Makes no difference.
I go there because I go there.
Sometimes I go there to balance the scale when things have been particularly grand in my marriage and in my work, and I just can’t tolerate so much goodness coming to me.
Sometimes I go there to shake things up – as if I’ve been asleep.
Sometimes I go there as a pre-emptive strike against me, to punish me for some sin I’ve committed or believed I’ve committed, or believe I will commit.
I could analyze for days, years, eons, this life and the next and the next.
Or I could right things right now one moment at a time.
If I cannot tolerate love, I will get angry and push it away.
If I don’t have a good reason – I’ll make one up.
If I cannot tolerate success, I will sabotage it with carelessness.
If I don’t have a good reason, I’ll make one up.
I always have a reason, an excuse, an idea.
Something I was taught long ago, in this life or the last, or the lives before.
There are so many ways to make up real reasons for everything.
There are statistics aplenty to support any point of view I could come up with.
There are charts and examples and experiences to quote for any statement I could make up about anything in this world.
So I’ll stop trying to figure it out. It doesn’t matter what I think.
It doesn’t matter what I think about myself. It doesn’t matter who’s right or what’s right.
It only matters how it feels. If I feel bad – yes, there’s a reason, a source, a belief.
And who says feeling bad is bad, anyway?
Who says feeling rage and making stuff up is so bad?
I just know I don’t like the way it feels. So I’m going to stop this right now.
Here’s how:
We women process.
Our feelings morph.
We feel good, then we feel guilty, then we feel bad, then we feel mad, then we feel lots of things.
By following those feelings around our bodies, we get to experience feeling alive.
We get to experience pain, anger, joy – the whole soup of love.
Can’t feel one feeling without getting close to another.
It’s the way it works.
We’re not all compartmentalized.
We can’t only feel joy and never encounter pain.
If we spend all our energy trying not to feel pain, we can’t ever get close to joy.
So if we focus on pain, all we’ll ever feel is Resistance to feeling pain, which is the same as Resistance to feeling joy, which leaves us with a big, fat nothing.
Feeling numb, a void, cold, bored, overwhelmed.
All the small feelings are all that’s left. To feel passion, we have to be willing to feel pain.
The amazing thing is, being willing to experience pain doesn’t always mean you have to experience pain.
Quite the opposite.
Once I start to embrace the whole soup, the scary feelings aren’t so scary after all.
It’s as if my ship was weighted down with Resistance, sinking it backwards into yucky, painful feelings, and once I lifted off the Resistance and said Okay – I’m okay with the pain – the pain never showed up.
The shoe I was spending my waking hours waiting to drop doesn’t drop.
I take my hand off my ears and there’s no screaming. Instead, my ship rights itself.
It goes on ahead – something that feels better is up ahead.
And if I do encounter pain, I find joy, bliss and peace all mixed up with it.
If our man is standoffish, then we must be, too.
We may think we’re all ready and willing and able, we may have our hearts open wide, and yet it doesn’t make sense.
To get close to a man, you have to let him in.
If we’re doing all the work and he’s just hanging out in his half of the relationship turf and not venturing into our hearts, if we’re with a man who doesn’t want to venture into our particular hearts, then all that makes sense is that we’re afraid to let a man – any man – in.
If we’re afraid to let him in because we’re afraid we’ll be abandoned, afraid we’ll share ourselves totally and then watch helplessly as he takes off, taking our whole selves with him, it’s because we’re afraid of abandoning ourselves.
What does that look like?
Either we have a man, or are attracted to men, who we know on some level will play us and leave us – thereby efficiently abandoning ourselves without having to do it ourselves (this is all about Boundaries, of course) – or we have a lovely man who wants us and so we are faced with the chore of abandoning ourselves.
Either way it’s not pretty.
We go to abandonment often.
If he’s not doing the job, we do.
We make it up.
We are all made up of so many parts and voices and energies and thoughts and feelings.
We can identify some as wounded parts, some as heroic.
When things are going wonderfully, we may habitually bounce to the wounded part, then to the angry part, then to the numb part before we feel okay back at the wonderful part.
Most of the time we’re doing this dance all by ourselves.
Our men are standing around, totally fine with us (sometimes even looking for direction to make us happy), wondering what’s come over us.
And we make it up.
Try this:
Be compassionate with yourself.
Be grateful to yourself.
Embrace yourself.
So much of why we make stuff up is that we yearn to stay in touch with our deepest parts.
We want to access the pain, the wounded parts, because that’s where the joy is stuck too – in the soup.
We want to be close to our deep feeling parts. It makes us feel deep and profound, and spiritual.
The trick is to be able to go there, and everywhere else too!
You can start easy, with inanimate objects.
Put your hand on something – the chair, the sofa, the table.
Talk to it – out loud if you can.
Say Wood table, I know you were once a tree.
I feel bad that you were chopped down.
And sawed up and pounded.
I’m sorry.
I’m so glad to have you with me.
Thank you for your sacrifice.
I feel so grateful to be able to put food and my work on you.
Thank you for supporting me, I love you.
I will not forget that you were once a tree.
Thank you.
Or a metal lamp, Lamp, I feel you all hard, I know you were once in the ground, all cozy, where you belong, and you were dug up, and put through the fire, and hammered and poured. I’m so sorry.
I feel for you.
I bless you.
Thank You for being in my home and lighting my home so I can see and read.
I won’t forget how you serve me. Thank You.
You may feel silly doing this.
You may find yourself sobbing.
You are being compassionate and grateful to the table and the lamp.
Do this for short periods – 10 to 20 seconds tops.
The moment you feel yourself in your head instead of your feelings, stop.
Now move on to yourself.
This is the place many of us never get to.
We are compassionate with others, with animals, with furniture, but not with ourselves.
Whether or not you believe you deserve this exercise, please do it.
Just try it.
A few moments at a time.
Important note – If you’re in the presence of someone – your man, or a new man – do the Rori Raye Mantra instead.
Deliver Feeling Messages.
Let your words speak what you feel.
If you’re alone – if you’re starting to make stuff up, to feel down about yourself, if the Gremlin rears up and you feel the process of going to pain, to anger, to Resistance, to numb – no matter what happened or what anyone did or said – go straight to Compassion.
Here’s The Compassion Dialogue:
Say to that voice, that part that’s speaking, thinking, feeling yucky things I feel your sadness, your doubt.
I won’t abandon you.
Thank you for trying to protect me.
I’m here for you.
I’m so sorry for your pain, and for your suffering, and I won’t abandon you.
And now I’m going to go on with feeling better, and doing what makes me feel good, and what makes me bigger and happier so that I can share more compassion with you and with the world.
I embrace you, and I won’t leave you behind. I promise.
Don’t worry about who’s who in the dialogue, who you are as the part speaking, who you’re talking too.
Just address the voice that’s hurting or angry and embrace it verbally.
Tell it you won’t abandon it on your way up the ladder of feeling good and being successful in business and in love.
Tell it you love it, will take care of it, forgive it, thank it, feel compassion for it. Just the way you did with the table and the lamp.
Just 10-20 seconds at a time, throughout the day.
And then just see what happens.
This is all very complex, and libraries are filled with psychological and spiritual texts on how all this works.
And being in your head about it will not help you at all – because you are you, and you need to know that you are on your side forever.
Loving Yourself is easy to talk about – but what does that mean, and how do you do it?
Talk to yourself, feel what you feel, embrace the soup, and use the words of the Rori Raye dialogues.
Literally, authentically Thank Yourself – each body part, each feeling part, each voice that you notice wants attention.
Literally, verbally express compassion to each part, each voice.
As you do this, your Resistance to feeling will soften.
Just a little softening is enough to get you in the soup. And from there, you can sail your ship anywhere.
Love, here we come!
Let me show you all the ways in which you can be happy and thrive in your relationship.
My FREE NEWSLETTER is packed with tools and advice to help you connect to your man, inspire his love and devotion, and finally have the relationship you want…starting today!
Simply fill in your name and email at the link below and start learning the tools that will show you how to get MORE out of your relationship.
Your information is kept confidential and there is no obligation… just valuable, free advice:
Click Here For Your Free Newsletter And eBook Download
In her workshops, classes, private coaching and new book, relationship coach Rori Raye teaches women the completely original, simple-to-do and stunningly effective techniques for communication, confidence, and connecting with men that she used to turn her own now-glorious eighteen-year marriage around.
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Anger Management
By Rori Raye
I know what I instinctively do when I get angry.
I sit on it.
I want to think about it.
I want to think about what to do with it.
If the person who just said or did something that got my anger started, especially if it’s my husband or my daughter, I most especially stuff it down until I can figure out what to say.
Often the moment gets lost entirely.
I find myself grumpy or tense ten minutes later, ruminating on my anger like a cow chewing cud, and my opportunity to express myself feels lost forever.
Not so.
What I’m describing here, it seems, is me beating myself up because I didn’t know what to do with the anger I was feeling.
What’s sometimes worse is when my husband is angry.
At me.
I can handle his anger if it’s towards others.
I get behind him, confirm his righteous indignation, his enemy is my enemy.
I’m a great team player.
So where am I when he’s angry at me?
What team am I on?
The first split second I feel his coolness, I’m on team Rori.
I get my back up, I protect my back, I face off.
I’m the star goalie, defender of Rori, no angry words could possibly hurt me, I never, ever, ever did anything wrong.
Or I did everything wrong. I bounce from anger at him for being angry with me to anger at myself for causing such unbearable conflict.
I blame myself for severing love, even for this moment. It doesn’t occur to me until sometimes hours later that acting as if I’m on team Our Relationship would not only be better for the relationship, but for me, too.
All I need to do is share my anger.
We all know from reading every book on communication ever written that we’re supposed to communicate in “I feel” messages, not “You did” messages. And yet — How do you do that?
Most of us don’t even know what that looks like, much less how to get the words out.
Not one woman (including me) that I’ve met has even seen it in our lifetime, except maybe in the movies.
Not only do we not know what it feels like to really talk in “I feel” messages, we hardly ever even know what it is we even feel!
Those of you who have been to my workshops know that a big part of my work is helping women access their feelings and then express those feelings in words a man can hear.
One of the emotions we women have the most trouble with is anger, and anger is also the emotion we often seem to have the most of!
We are all angry a good part of the time.
Perhaps it’s disappointment, or irritation, or pure rage.
Some of us have gotten seriously sick trying to hold in so much anger.
Some of us can only attract men who offend us, who make us angry, because we are so angry.
Putting a smiley face on our anger just makes it all worse, because on top of the authentic angry inferno anyone who stands next to us can sense (no matter how dense we think they are), we’re adding the disrespect of trying to hide it from them.
We’re pretending it’s not even there — though it’s like a great big elephant sticking out of our chests.
That angry elephant trumpets through our words no matter how hard we try to disguise it.
When we pretend, we appear at best like automatons, at worst like liars.
We can seem completely out of touch with ourselves and at the same time complain about how men can’t get in touch with their feelings!
So, what to do?
1. Agree that anger, even murderous rage, is just a feeling.
It’s just energy.
And it’s most likely covering pain.
Because anger truly does feel better than pain, it’s a very worthwhile and helpful emotion.
2. Admit to ourselves that what we’re feeling is anger, and that it belongs to us, not to the man across the dinner table.
Admit that it most likely has absolutely nothing to do with that man across the table.
It may be anger from the last relationship, the last two dozen relationships, or our relationships with our parents.
And then admit that if it is about the man across the table, and he’s said or done something clearly hurtful, you not only don’t have to tolerate it — you can handle the next step! Which is:
3. Share it. This is not about venting, getting it out, or “communicating.”
It’s about sharing your feeling state in order to both keep yourself healthy and deepen your relationship with another human being. Say “I’m feeling angry.”
Period.
If he asks you why –- say “I feel really angry.
And hurt.
And now I’m feeling confused.
And now I feel a little silly even telling you.”
Or “Ouch — that really hurt — it feels terrible.”
(Notice I didn’t say “You made me feel terrible” or “That makes me feel terrible”, I just said “I feel terrible.”)
It may seem like a little thing, and yet my work is based on the idea that these little things add up to big things, and then pretty soon your life has changed for the better and you’ve already lived through all those big changes that right now seem so terrifying.
Learn how to go a few rounds with him, responding in the moment — even if it gets to you screaming “Now I’m so angry I feel like hitting you! I don’t want to be here anymore!” and leaving the space.
If you have to do this a lot, you may want to look at why you’ve chosen to stick around with this man at all — which brings us right back to the question of why we hide the stuff in the first place.
Is it because we’re afraid to look at what’s really going on in the relationship, what’s really going on in our hearts?
I know it seems too simplistic to just share your feeling state.
We want to explain, to help him understand.
Actually, we just want to slap him around.
We want to punish him.
And that gets us, and the relationship, nowhere.
So where does all this sharing of feelings get us?
Every single woman I’ve taught to do this (including myself) has told me that it shifts the conversation.
It shifts the entire relationship.
Where there was once tension and a feeling of detachment, there’s now a feeling of play and connection.
Sharing our feeling state is an outrageous act of bravery.
Any man in the room can see that.
And any man can feel the utter authenticity and vulnerability of it.
Any man can feel how much you must trust and respect him to be able to open up like that, without attacking him.
Without so much as mentioning his name.
And any woman who does this, even a little, experiences a freeing up inside.
All of a sudden all the pretense goes away, and the fear of dropping the pretense goes away.
All of a sudden the need to defend, the need to be guarded goes away, and the fear of dropping our guard goes away.
There’s suddenly nothing between you and your man.
He can feel it.
You can feel it.
Where it goes from there is out of your hands.
And that, once you get used to it, is liberating.
It opens the door and parts the curtain and gives you the chance to really let love walk in.
And then it does.
Let me show you all the ways in which you can be happy and thrive in your relationship.
My FREE NEWSLETTER is packed with tools and advice to help you connect to your man, inspire his love and devotion, and finally have the relationship you want…starting today!
Simply fill in your name and email at the link below and start learning the tools that will make a man commit to you for life.
Your information is kept confidential and there is no obligation… just valuable, free advice:
Click Here For Your Free Newsletter And eBook Download
In her packed Los Angeles workshops, relationship coach, author, speaker and seminar leader Rori Raye teaches women the completely original, controversial, simple-to-do techniques for communication, confidence, and connecting with men that she used to turn her own now-glorious eighteen-year marriage around.
